Mums the Word

My five year old screams at the top of her lungs, 'I WANT CHEERIOS'.  I shout back, 'Well, I wanted to sleep till 7:00!'.  I hand her a waffle.  In my mind I said a lot more... My reaction was the result of this:  The princess tent on her bed she was sleeping in fell off with her in it at 5:00am.  No one was hurt but there was twenty minutes of drama, tears and me not getting back to sleep. So this lead to the 'cheerio meltdown' and a what is fair discussion?... The next day my other child who is going through a whining phase (let's hope) has a monumental melt down.  We are at Wavering Pool where there is a massive slide and he is not allowed to go down because he does not meet the height requirement (stupid rule).  He whines, 'But that's not fair'.  I agree with him the first twenty times and try to calmly explain and redirect but the next time he cries, 'That's not fair', I do it.  I go old school on him and I shout, 'Lifes n...

Have you been forgetting peoples names you've known your whole life, including you own? Are you constantly searching for things? If you have been suffering from serious brain malfunctions you may have what we, in the business, call Mommy Brain. You may see a woman at the grocery store staring at something, let's say a turnip, and you think maybe she's thinking about buying that turnip....Well, maybe she WAS thinking that....fifteen minutes ago! Now she's just trying to figure out what it's called! It's seems we are replacing our brain space that once was filled with information that made us interesting with theme tunes to popular cartoons, personal hygiene techniques and how to buckle and snap anything. Oh and don't forget the superior ability to open jars and not go to the bathroom for extraordinarily long periods of time. Totally worth it though. Totally worth it. We have fine tuned our ability to find things. A natural response to being able to f...

As I stare out at the river trying to figure out where the 'frick' the wing damns are...i feel the tears well up inside me. My dad used to take me out on the river when I was a kid and show me all the secret coves, sand bars, and point to all the wing damns in hopes that I would someday be able to drive the boat and navigate the river myself. Little did I know, this was a metaphor for life. Everything I've done and everywhere I've gone, my dad has been behind me and I've always been looking over my shoulder. He's been checking that the coast is clear and then double checking that I am checking. And now, with the fear of losing him looming, I wonder am I ready? I'm 31 and am married with 4 kids! How could I not be 'ready'? No one is ever ready to lose someone they love but fearing life without someone's direction is something different. I am afraid of never being able to look back. And as I stand by the river, I'm crying. The follow...

We are at the pool. One of my friends says I think your son is flashing everyone. In my mind I'm thinking surely not but at the same time we are talking about a four year old boy with a history of pants dropping. I turn around and sure enough he's flashing everyone his business. Ugh!! I yell at him to pull his pants up and ask him why?? Why?!!! He's explains he is wet. I explain he is wearing a swimsuit and therefore going to be wet. I tell him it's a pool rule to keep your clothes on. He readjusts and accepts the rule, at least for the next 15 minutes. Then it's time to go and I tell the kids to put their clothes on. He immediately strips. That one was my fault, I admit. It seems every morning,after many warnings and even after setting his clothes out, I'm yelling 'put your underwear on....for the love of all that is good and decent!'. The first half hour of his day he spends buck naked. Why???!!!! He also seems to have a fixation with his ...

A friend recently approached me with an embarrassing story.  I say 'embarrassing' but once you have kids, it's all over anyways and it's much harder to wrap your mind around the concept of being embarrassed.  Anyways, my friend admitted to wetting the bed and before she could continue I said, 'Was it the dream toilet??'  Our eyes met and she confessed, 'How did you know?!'  Well, you can guess how I know.  I'm guessing that damn dream toilet haunts the tired worn out mothers of the world.  Forever we are in search of toilets, even in our dreams. And so....I will list more things than I care to that I have done because I'm so flipping tired. 1.  Encountered a dream toilet.  Side note:  I also have to cross my legs when I sneeze. 2.  Confessed my love to a Jimmy Johns worker over the phone.  Slip of the tongue? Perhaps. 3.  Washed the dishes without having any recollection of said chore. 4.  Pantry amnesia--standing in ...

It's seven a.m. I've just hit the switch on the kettle and am starring out the window willing the four voices in the background to be quiter. (Can't a girl ease in to her day??!) My five year old who starts kindergarten in the fall pipes up...'Excuse me mommy, could I get a cup of hot water with a slice of lemon please?' This thought crosses my mind: ass beating. Yes, will she get her ass beat at school??? I will now list things I've encountered, recently, that may or may not get my child beat up in public schools: 1. Asking for hot water/tea with a slice of lemon 2. Being obsessed with hand sanitizer 3. Correcting grammar 4. Saying you prefer quinoa over brown rice 5. Telling everyone you enjoy spending your summers in Scotland 6. Telling boys you love them just to drive them mental. 7. Saying 'Actually' and the proceeding to correct others inaccuracies. Ex: Look at that lava Isla. Actually, that is under the ground so it is called...

In order to 'appear' balanced I will now follow up yesterday's rant, Pet Peeves, with all the things I'm grateful for. 1. My family, even if some of the things they do make my other list, they are truly amazing. I could list them all individually with their wonderful attributes but I would probably loose most of you as it would take forever. 2. My friends. They make me laugh. If someone really gets you and then likes you anyways they are keepers. 3. Anyone who watches my kids!! Thank God for you. You are also probably a friend at this point. 4. Fuzzy blankets 5. Tupperware 6. Nature... When it isn't biting me or causing me other kinds of physical pain 7. Tea 8. Long talks about nothing that result in inside jokes 9. Bible study and everyone involved 10. Wise people like Yoda. I guess he's not a 'person' but whatever. 11. Old people that don't care what anyone thinks or who they piss off and say outlandish things. 12. Which lead...