You may be a mean girl if...
If you're raising young girls, or girls of any age, you know there's going to be drama. Heck, I'm a grown woman and sometimes feel I'm in a Real Housewives episode with some of the grown up drama I see. So how do we combat this and teach our girls to be Switzerland in the constant hormone war of female dominance? How do we teach them not to be the mean girl?
Well, with all problems, I think we need to identify what a 'mean girl' does so that we can know what not to do.
I just did this excersice with my nine year olds. We had an open conversation about what might be a mean girl thing to say or do and we did some role playing.
I said, 'You might be behaving like a mean girl if you.....'
1. Say, 'I don't want to be your friend anymore.' because you didn't get your way. Real friends talk about things and work through their problems. Friends never hold their friendship randsom or blackmail each other. People comfortable doing this are not real friends, or at least not friends worth keeping, so don't be that person.
2. If you exclude others openly. Here's where we did a little role playing. If I'm with Sally at the pool and my friend Karen comes and sits with us, I would never tell Karen I was too busy playing with Sally to play with her. That would be rude. I may change what I'm doing or focus more of my energy on Sally but Karen is within her right to hang out if she chooses and, if she's a friend of mine, I would never want her to feel excluded. If I'm at my own house then that's different and I could tell Karen I was busy but it's best to be vague to save Karens feelings. We want all our friends to feel included, not excluded from our life.
3. Brag about hanging with friend to another friend. If I was hanging out with a particular friend I would not go out of my way to rub that in another friends face. That's rude and if you check your feelings, you know this. If you contact a friend while hanging with another friend, it better be to include them in some way. Otherwise it's completely unnessary to contact them at all. Thanks a lot phones. See also why kids shouldn't have phones or social media.
4. If you tell a friend something that another friend said that is hurtful, you are a mean girl. If those two friends have something to say to each other, let them say it to each others faces. People are awfully brave with their words when they are behind someones back. If you repeat something hurtful you are stirring the pot and that’s a job reserved for mean girls only. Also, they will most likely deny saying it and they you look like a liar and a mean girl. Let hurtful words die with you.
5. You don't hate anyone so don't say that you do. If one of your friends says that they 'hate' so and so, they are probably the type of person to say the same thing about you the second you do something that upsets them. Don't be fickle and don't vent to other friends, unless you are prepared to repeat everything you are saying because, spoiler, you won't have to. Girls talk. Especially mean ones. If you like someone, you like them.
6. If you are constantly having drama with other girls, you are the problem. Moms, repeat this one with me because no one wants to believe that it's THEIR kid. If your sweet little angel is having ongoing issues with other girls, they are a player in this game. Own it and deal with it head on. Encourage them to walk in others shoes and consider their friends feelings. It's called empathy and it's important for life.
7. Don't try to build a team to rally against your 'enemies'. Your 'enemies', if they even exist, are yours. Do not share your negativity. It's hard when others hurt you to not share your feelings but try to make peace with these people or eliminate them from your life the best you can and move on. That, in it's own right, will speak volumes about you. I always tell the kids, the better person doesn't have to say anything. This is especially helpful when they are fighting over stupid things....like a Kansas fan arguing with a Mizzou fan. Please! Not even a contest. Rock chalk and walk baby.
I hope that this conversation helps others moms struggling. It may also be helpful to remind yourself that we've all had a moment where we've been the mean girl. Maybe it was in our childhood when we were learning right from wrong. Unfortualtey for some adults, this lesson must have been skipped: enter Real Housewives. This lesson of considering our actions and impact on the world around us is always relevant. It's also good to come to terms with the fact that at any given moment, your child could be an a**hole. If you're lucky enough to have a small herd of children like me, you know they all take turns so it's good to prepare yourself and not jump to any conclusions. I hope whoever reads this finds it helpful in dealing with the drama of adolescents. 'May the odds be ever in your favor.'
Well, with all problems, I think we need to identify what a 'mean girl' does so that we can know what not to do.
I just did this excersice with my nine year olds. We had an open conversation about what might be a mean girl thing to say or do and we did some role playing.
I said, 'You might be behaving like a mean girl if you.....'
1. Say, 'I don't want to be your friend anymore.' because you didn't get your way. Real friends talk about things and work through their problems. Friends never hold their friendship randsom or blackmail each other. People comfortable doing this are not real friends, or at least not friends worth keeping, so don't be that person.
2. If you exclude others openly. Here's where we did a little role playing. If I'm with Sally at the pool and my friend Karen comes and sits with us, I would never tell Karen I was too busy playing with Sally to play with her. That would be rude. I may change what I'm doing or focus more of my energy on Sally but Karen is within her right to hang out if she chooses and, if she's a friend of mine, I would never want her to feel excluded. If I'm at my own house then that's different and I could tell Karen I was busy but it's best to be vague to save Karens feelings. We want all our friends to feel included, not excluded from our life.
3. Brag about hanging with friend to another friend. If I was hanging out with a particular friend I would not go out of my way to rub that in another friends face. That's rude and if you check your feelings, you know this. If you contact a friend while hanging with another friend, it better be to include them in some way. Otherwise it's completely unnessary to contact them at all. Thanks a lot phones. See also why kids shouldn't have phones or social media.
4. If you tell a friend something that another friend said that is hurtful, you are a mean girl. If those two friends have something to say to each other, let them say it to each others faces. People are awfully brave with their words when they are behind someones back. If you repeat something hurtful you are stirring the pot and that’s a job reserved for mean girls only. Also, they will most likely deny saying it and they you look like a liar and a mean girl. Let hurtful words die with you.
5. You don't hate anyone so don't say that you do. If one of your friends says that they 'hate' so and so, they are probably the type of person to say the same thing about you the second you do something that upsets them. Don't be fickle and don't vent to other friends, unless you are prepared to repeat everything you are saying because, spoiler, you won't have to. Girls talk. Especially mean ones. If you like someone, you like them.
6. If you are constantly having drama with other girls, you are the problem. Moms, repeat this one with me because no one wants to believe that it's THEIR kid. If your sweet little angel is having ongoing issues with other girls, they are a player in this game. Own it and deal with it head on. Encourage them to walk in others shoes and consider their friends feelings. It's called empathy and it's important for life.
7. Don't try to build a team to rally against your 'enemies'. Your 'enemies', if they even exist, are yours. Do not share your negativity. It's hard when others hurt you to not share your feelings but try to make peace with these people or eliminate them from your life the best you can and move on. That, in it's own right, will speak volumes about you. I always tell the kids, the better person doesn't have to say anything. This is especially helpful when they are fighting over stupid things....like a Kansas fan arguing with a Mizzou fan. Please! Not even a contest. Rock chalk and walk baby.
I hope that this conversation helps others moms struggling. It may also be helpful to remind yourself that we've all had a moment where we've been the mean girl. Maybe it was in our childhood when we were learning right from wrong. Unfortualtey for some adults, this lesson must have been skipped: enter Real Housewives. This lesson of considering our actions and impact on the world around us is always relevant. It's also good to come to terms with the fact that at any given moment, your child could be an a**hole. If you're lucky enough to have a small herd of children like me, you know they all take turns so it's good to prepare yourself and not jump to any conclusions. I hope whoever reads this finds it helpful in dealing with the drama of adolescents. 'May the odds be ever in your favor.'
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