Mums the Word

1.  Are you sure he didn't move? 2.  He looks like he moved a little.  Look, his arms look different. 3.  He must really like that spot. 4.  Flying to the North Pole is exhausting....maybe he decided he was too tired. 5.  Did you touch him??? 6.  I touched him.  I'm sorry, but he was slouching and I thought I was helping.  I'm sure if we leave him he will move tomorrow. 7.  Maybe Santa came here!  How cool would that be?? 8.  Well, we weren't home a lot yesterday.  Maybe he didn't have enough to report. 9.  He's lazy.  Maybe his real name should be Sir lazy-pants! 10.  I dunno, were you naughty???  Did you touch the ornaments on the tree?! You know he hates that.

I'm sitting on the couch half out of it watching all the kids look for that darn Elf on the Shelf, so thankful he actually got up and moved his lazy ass last night.  When they find it and they all start shouting 'He's up there!  He's up there!'.  Even Cora, who is naked (don't ask), is jumping up and down, pointing and shouting just like the big kids 'He up there!  He up there!'  It's one of those moments.  I'm on top of a mountain.  All the kids are precious and I am mentally saving this to my hard drive.  I start thinking about other fun traditions we can start and memories I'd like to make.  I'd love to take the kids skiing because dad and I always had a blast skiing. Once we were on the top of a mountain getting ready to take on the back bowls of Vail and the sun started to set.  It was beautiful and my dad was quick to point it out.  I asked if he had ever seen this before and he said he had but it was better this time.  When I asked

As I reach for the soap, 'OH CRAP! Why can't I move my arm properly?!  I have a damaged wing!  I repeat, a damaged wing!' Where was I? Oh yes, I've noticed I'm OLD. Maybe not necessarily in years but certainly in body and attitude.  I may be 31 but in life years I feel 61, some days older. I've notice my legs feel funny.  Like someone has ripped them out of there sockets then stuck them back in not quite right.  I keep saying 'hip dysplasia' but the fact of the matter is, I think the children have broken me.  On top of that I get sharp pains in random areas that make me jump up, shout and grab the accused area.  Is something biting me?  Are my nerves sending out random messages? What?  But it makes me look straight up crazy.  Luckily, my husband already knows that I am. Everything is falling apart and nevermind my very acute case of Jiggly Butt (this IS the technical term and it IS very serious).  As far as attitude:  I seem to lack patience for

Does anyone else feel like they are shouting the same instructions of what not to do day in and day out?  Put your coat on!  Don't touch that!  Stop climbing on the table!  Why are simple instructions so hard? I sometimes wonder if my kids think my sheer existence is to annoy them with mundane tasks and meaningless rules.  Like I have time to plot against them??  I barely have time to think!  What's even more mind blowing/soul destroying is when they walk outside in a T-shirt and announce that they are cold, they actually break the thing you told them not to touch and they fall off the table then look at you in shock and start crying.  Seriously??  I'm going to loose my mind.  I don't feel like I'm super demanding....okay, maybe I am but whatever, you can thank me later because you will be more prepared for the real world.  I know they are just kids but I'm moments away from having a mommy dearest meltdown. The harder part of this conundrum is knowing i

OMG--My baby just said 'Hippopautamaus!'  Never mind their inability to do anything else, they are a genius.  Better get them into the 'good' classes now. I was reading a parenting magazine one day, out of boredom, and came across this interesting fact:  80% of parents think their children are advanced. This subsequently became a joke between my husband and I.  Whenever the kids did anything we would say, 'Oh, they're so advanced!'  The greatest moment is when we are lucky enough to be in the same room when someone says this and means it.  We have four kids under six now and it takes a lot to impress us.  I'm not saying their firsts aren't amazing but with your first baby you have no reference point.  Once you've lived this life for awhile you know all the kids are doing it and if they aren't, they will be. If they really wanted to impress me they would eat without spilling and use the toilet!  Just saying.  A lot of the things parents di

My friend Amy was visiting and I was giving her the full court press to move to the greatest town in the world, Quincy, IL.  I should really be the rush chair or whatever the equivalent is because I'm always selling it....off the subject.  Anyways, my friend says, 'I could never move here because gas is too expensive.'  To which I replied, 'Oh, I'm sorry?? You can't afford to fill up your brand new Honda Oddessy?? Because gas in IL is a few cents more expensive?!!!'  YOU, my friend, have a rich person problem.'  This became our ongoing joke and the inspiration for this blog... Now, you don't have to be rich to have 'rich people problems'.  These are just things you say that sound 'bad'.  I mean, if you are reading this blog you are probably rich comparatively speaking.  So take all of this with a grain of salt....preferably around a margarita glass. So, here we go... You may have rich people problems if you: 1.  Say 'Oh no,

At some point I must of told Isla people die when they are 100, because she brought it up last month. As you can guess the discussion went something like: Me: You know Poppy's real sick. Isla: Ya but he's not 100 so he'll be okay, right? Ugh! Cue heartbreak. This leads me into my topic of Unicorns and Rainbows and other things we lie to our kids about. I borrowed the header from my cousin Anna. Anyways, my question: Is it worth it? Here are the things I've lied about (recently) paired with the reasons for said lie:  1. (and #1 on so many of our lists) Santa Claus.  Also Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, a leprachan named Lester and an Elf named Peter (if we are being completely honest). Reason:  Magic. Real life magic. We all want to believe, remember believing and want our kids to have that same feeling when they open their presents, see an Easter basket, and find something under their pillow (or are taken on a mad scavenger hunt to find presents in the garage). I m

My five year old screams at the top of her lungs, 'I WANT CHEERIOS'.  I shout back, 'Well, I wanted to sleep till 7:00!'.  I hand her a waffle.  In my mind I said a lot more... My reaction was the result of this:  The princess tent on her bed she was sleeping in fell off with her in it at 5:00am.  No one was hurt but there was twenty minutes of drama, tears and me not getting back to sleep. So this lead to the 'cheerio meltdown' and a what is fair discussion?... The next day my other child who is going through a whining phase (let's hope) has a monumental melt down.  We are at Wavering Pool where there is a massive slide and he is not allowed to go down because he does not meet the height requirement (stupid rule).  He whines, 'But that's not fair'.  I agree with him the first twenty times and try to calmly explain and redirect but the next time he cries, 'That's not fair', I do it.  I go old school on him and I shout, 'Lifes n

Have you been forgetting peoples names you've known your whole life, including you own? Are you constantly searching for things? If you have been suffering from serious brain malfunctions you may have what we, in the business, call Mommy Brain. You may see a woman at the grocery store staring at something, let's say a turnip, and you think maybe she's thinking about buying that turnip....Well, maybe she WAS thinking that....fifteen minutes ago! Now she's just trying to figure out what it's called! It's seems we are replacing our brain space that once was filled with information that made us interesting with theme tunes to popular cartoons, personal hygiene techniques and how to buckle and snap anything. Oh and don't forget the superior ability to open jars and not go to the bathroom for extraordinarily long periods of time. Totally worth it though. Totally worth it. We have fine tuned our ability to find things. A natural response to being able to f

As I stare out at the river trying to figure out where the 'frick' the wing damns are...i feel the tears well up inside me. My dad used to take me out on the river when I was a kid and show me all the secret coves, sand bars, and point to all the wing damns in hopes that I would someday be able to drive the boat and navigate the river myself. Little did I know, this was a metaphor for life. Everything I've done and everywhere I've gone, my dad has been behind me and I've always been looking over my shoulder. He's been checking that the coast is clear and then double checking that I am checking. And now, with the fear of losing him looming, I wonder am I ready? I'm 31 and am married with 4 kids! How could I not be 'ready'? No one is ever ready to lose someone they love but fearing life without someone's direction is something different. I am afraid of never being able to look back. And as I stand by the river, I'm crying. The follow

We are at the pool. One of my friends says I think your son is flashing everyone. In my mind I'm thinking surely not but at the same time we are talking about a four year old boy with a history of pants dropping. I turn around and sure enough he's flashing everyone his business. Ugh!! I yell at him to pull his pants up and ask him why?? Why?!!! He's explains he is wet. I explain he is wearing a swimsuit and therefore going to be wet. I tell him it's a pool rule to keep your clothes on. He readjusts and accepts the rule, at least for the next 15 minutes. Then it's time to go and I tell the kids to put their clothes on. He immediately strips. That one was my fault, I admit. It seems every morning,after many warnings and even after setting his clothes out, I'm yelling 'put your underwear on....for the love of all that is good and decent!'. The first half hour of his day he spends buck naked. Why???!!!! He also seems to have a fixation with his

A friend recently approached me with an embarrassing story.  I say 'embarrassing' but once you have kids, it's all over anyways and it's much harder to wrap your mind around the concept of being embarrassed.  Anyways, my friend admitted to wetting the bed and before she could continue I said, 'Was it the dream toilet??'  Our eyes met and she confessed, 'How did you know?!'  Well, you can guess how I know.  I'm guessing that damn dream toilet haunts the tired worn out mothers of the world.  Forever we are in search of toilets, even in our dreams. And so....I will list more things than I care to that I have done because I'm so flipping tired. 1.  Encountered a dream toilet.  Side note:  I also have to cross my legs when I sneeze. 2.  Confessed my love to a Jimmy Johns worker over the phone.  Slip of the tongue? Perhaps. 3.  Washed the dishes without having any recollection of said chore. 4.  Pantry amnesia--standing in front of food pantry wit

It's seven a.m. I've just hit the switch on the kettle and am starring out the window willing the four voices in the background to be quiter. (Can't a girl ease in to her day??!) My five year old who starts kindergarten in the fall pipes up...'Excuse me mommy, could I get a cup of hot water with a slice of lemon please?' This thought crosses my mind: ass beating. Yes, will she get her ass beat at school??? I will now list things I've encountered, recently, that may or may not get my child beat up in public schools: 1. Asking for hot water/tea with a slice of lemon 2. Being obsessed with hand sanitizer 3. Correcting grammar 4. Saying you prefer quinoa over brown rice 5. Telling everyone you enjoy spending your summers in Scotland 6. Telling boys you love them just to drive them mental. 7. Saying 'Actually' and the proceeding to correct others inaccuracies. Ex: Look at that lava Isla. Actually, that is under the ground so it is called

In order to 'appear' balanced I will now follow up yesterday's rant, Pet Peeves, with all the things I'm grateful for. 1. My family, even if some of the things they do make my other list, they are truly amazing. I could list them all individually with their wonderful attributes but I would probably loose most of you as it would take forever. 2. My friends. They make me laugh. If someone really gets you and then likes you anyways they are keepers. 3. Anyone who watches my kids!! Thank God for you. You are also probably a friend at this point. 4. Fuzzy blankets 5. Tupperware 6. Nature... When it isn't biting me or causing me other kinds of physical pain 7. Tea 8. Long talks about nothing that result in inside jokes 9. Bible study and everyone involved 10. Wise people like Yoda. I guess he's not a 'person' but whatever. 11. Old people that don't care what anyone thinks or who they piss off and say outlandish things. 12. Which lead

As I arrive at the hospital,the guy with the oversized golf cart pulls up and asks me if i need a ride. I am in the front row, only steps from the door and clearly able bodied. I reply, 'I think I'm good'. The golf cart guy insists and expresses his concern 'I may get too hot'....and I think this is just one of the things wrong with the world. Which leads me into all the things that currently are getting my goat starting with number one: 1. People that are too lazy to walk 10 feet which also includes people that park in handicap spots that aren't handicapped. 2. Stupid people--today it was the woman at Walgreens that told me to wait for my photos because she thought they would be ready in a minute and 20 minutes later when I asked about them she went and checked and low and behold she hadn't put any paper in the machine and instead of apologising, she giggles. Not kidding. 3. Any Starbucks employee that puts water in my soy chai no water. 4. People tha

Ok, so I still don't even know what I'm doing yet and already have people commenting.  I think I have stage fright!!! I guess it's just like anything you just gotta jump in head first, unless it's a shallow swimming pool but you know what I mean.  Anyways, I have been starring at the computer so long trying to set all this up I'm getting double vision.  I will start the real blogging later.  Peace!

So I'm blogging now.  Stay tuned.  Trying to fine tune all of this...blah and Ugh!!!