Gateway Pets and Unsatisfied Customers

'I want a dog!'

The one phrase most parents anticipate and dread all at once.  You know it's coming.  It's only a matter of time.

However, maybe like me, you think lets get ahead of the game and try to satisfy these people with a low maintenance replacement pet.

A fish.  Yes.  They don't take up much room or cost much.  They don't move or destroy things like every other living thing in your house.  The upkeep is minimal and if they die, oh well, you flush them down the toilet and have a cup of tea.
Sadly, kids like fish for about a week.  That's the shelf life of excitement on a fish.  Then all the sudden you're scrubbing a bowl weekly, conditioning water and feeding a pet that doesn't have the ability to love.  Lame.

After the fish, they will come at you with something else.  For us it was parakeets.  My oldest wanted a parakeet.  But then she said we should go ahead and get two because they do better in pairs.  Sure! Why not?!  Well long story short, I ended up with four.  The kids loved them.  In fact, they loved them so much they would take them out of the cage and love on them all the time.  The downside is I now occasionally have rogue birds flying around and all four have PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from being loved too hard.  They will seriously fly to the back of the cage and hide when you open their little door.  I'll give them props though, it's been a year and they're still alive.  They are like the navy seals of birds.

So, although birds aren't the worst pet, I'm still scrubbing their slimy water dish and cleaning up seed they throw everywhere and guess what....they didn't stop the kids from asking for more!!!!!

This may as well be their Christmas list and my responses:
Mice---Uh no, I've got traps set for those bastards.
Snakes---Hell no.  I have enough nightmares.
Turtles--I mean, back to the fish, can they even love??
Hamsters--Smelly mice.
Guinea pig--Big hamsters.
Horse--Lol!  Seriously, lol!  Not if you also want to go to college.  Oh you didn't?  Tough!
Cat....I have nothing against cats, oh wait I'm having a flash back and I do.  My childhood best friend had a cat named Mochie and that cat was the worst!  I'm talking chase me off her porch hissing and biting at my ankles bad.  No thanks!  I know not all cats are mean and they are smarter and much more independent than dogs but they are also kinda selfish.  I don't want to piss off my cat friends but cats love you when they want to love you and I don't need that kind of rejection in my life.  At least dogs love you all the time.  Not that I'm arguing for a dog, I'm just saying no to the cat.
Dog---Oh shit!  What was a I saying???  I have four kids!  Aren't you all enough for each other?!  I don't have time to pick up after one more thing.  What's that?  YOU'll take care of it?  You lie!!!!!

We will not be getting a dog anytime soon but we will also not be investing in any more gateway pets nor should you.  All of these other animals are trying to fill the dog size hole in a childs heart....and that hole cannot be filled with other pets, especially those with tiny brains unable to comprehend who you are.  In the end you will have an unsatisfied customer that just wants more.  They will eventually come asking for the dog.  My recommendation is to hold out as long as possible, maybe forever, then get one.  Because lets face it, having a dog is way better than having 10 animals plus a dog.  You know I'm right!