Mums the Word

I'm watching my three year old twins run through an obstacle course at their gymnastics class.  The teacher is at one station helping them do backwards rolls and so not really paying attention to the rest of the class.  Part of the course includes hanging from a bar across a pit of foam blocks.  A little boy climbs out onto the bar and hangs there.  One of my girls climbs up next to the bar, leans across and peels his fingers back one by one until he screams and plummets into the pit.  Then she throws her head back, laughing hysterically, and cannon balls into the pit on top of him. This isn't the first time I've seen this type of thing.  One day at school a little boy told her not to touch a door.  Poor dear.  She looks him up and down, then walks across to 'the door' and starts rubbing it while flashing him a look that said, 'What this door??? Oh, I'm gonna touch THIS door all day long.  Why?  Because I can see it bothers you.'  ...

My seven year old loves butterflies so we did what many before us have done.  We got one of those butterfly kits, ordered larvae online and watched them grow.  She actually chose to do this as part of a science project for school and had a lot of fun with it.  We got four butterflies out of the deal which I feel pretty good about since we only started out with six caterpillars.  I believe their names WERE:  Flip, Flutter, Fly and Stacy.  Uh, ya. Little did I know this would go south fast.  Slowly, one by one, they died and my daughter was crushed every single time.  I had no idea the level of love that surrounded these bugs and work hard to bury my cynicism. They have a very short life span!  I try to explain that THIS is the life cycle of a butterfly.  Death is part of their very short life.  I try to comfort her and explained that God only made their bodies to last a week or two.  It's nobodies fault.  That's just the ...

It's a beautiful day so I decide to give the twins a pass on their nap since we've kind of been sporadically napping anyways.  They're 3.  I get it.  I'm talking to my sister-in-law overseas while watching the twins play outside through the window.  They have just been warned not to climb onto the tables or back of the deck when...what do I see??: One of them climbing up the back of the deck!!!  Before I can even knock on the window to say 'get down' one twin pushes the other one and they go head over heals off the back.  It's only a 4 foot drop, into rocks!  I'm immediately running and cursing at the same time.  As I jump the deck in my too tight jeans and scoop them up, I'm amazed to find no harm done other than some scratches.  Thank God.  I was expecting a trip to the ER. I decide we ALL need some quiet time and send them both upstairs to take a nap while finishing a few things downstairs, including getting their blankets they peed...

I have always been a procrastinator.  In college, I would always wait until the day before a paper/test then cram as much useless knowledge into my brain as humanly possible in an unbelievably short window of time. Why?  Because when you don't really want to do something, you tend to push it down the list until you are forced to deal with it.  Then you do what you have to do and it's over.  In the end you feel a great sense of relief, maybe even accomplishment. Procrastinating as a parent is a bit different.  There's so many things you don't want to do that it's hard to decide which things to ignore.  When you finally defeat your indecisiveness and do what needs to be done, instead of feeling that relief, you have that foreboding sense that you will be doing it again tomorrow and deja vu that you were just doing it yesterday. This is what happens when you ignore the laundry for a day.     One DAY! Where did it all come fr...

I went to go get my eyebrows waxed the other day and the lady waxing said, 'Would you like me to get your mustache too?' Um, what now?? And I'm instantly mad at all my friends.  What the %$#@?!  Don't let this happen again!  If I have a mustache, you tell me. Have you not heard my off putting tale, The Bearded Lady of Aberdeen?  Yikes.  I was once at a cousins baby shower and her friend had a mustache.  It was not subtle and because I wasn't used to lady mustaches I couldn't help but stare.  I was also not subtle.  Later I had to ask my cousin, 'Does your friend not know she has a mustache?' and my cousin told me she had tried confronting the issue and Mary Mustache did not care.....What?! If you know a girl with a mustache who does not care that she has a mustache, it is time for an intervention.  Just like when I wouldn't stop wearing my corduroy maternity pants, even though it had been a good year since having a baby, and my fri...

As kids, my sister and I loved to jump on our trampoline.  We would always try to coax my mom into jumping with us.  This was only partially because we loved her and wanted to spend time with her.  Our main reason was because we were/are part evil and knew she would pee her pants, and that shit was funny.  Oh how we would laugh as we double bounced her into incontinence. Never did I think this would come back to get me. Now I'm grown up and have my own kids.  Four children that were born into this world weighing in at 9.8, 9.14, 6.10 and 7.5.  And although they did some damage at the time, I feel I have bounced back rather well.  Little did I know that bitch Karma was just waiting for the right moment to pounce.  Or bounce as it was. Not long ago we went ahead and made the jump into trampoline ownership.  The twins were still a little young at two but we went ahead and made the leap.  Sorry, I can't stop. The kids had been enjoyin...

1.  Junk Food.  I'm pretty good.  When I go rogue, it's usually for a good reason. 2.  Caffeine.  Why would I give up the one thing keeping me alive?! 3.  Facebook.  So not only am I a stay at home mom but I'm also going to eliminate my only other form of communication with grown ups and my source of sanity....yeah, no. 4.  Shopping.  I already hate it.  Hell is Walmart with four kids.  Or any other place where I have to look for things.  May as well add my kids to the list as they've just run off.  Oh, there they are pulling bra's off the rack at TJ Max saying, 'Look at these boobies!' 5.  Alcohol.  Strangely, this falls into the food group.  I'm not bad that often and when I am, it's usually for a good reason.  It's medicinal.  As in, my life is giving me a headache and I need something for that.  It's just like Tylenol. 6.  Yelling.  I just tried.  It was the hardest fif...

It's winter and it seems like it's been winter forever.  I get it! We are all over it!  I think my kids have had a cold for three months.  They constantly have different layers of snot on their face, going from dry to wet.  Their hair, no matter what I do, stands straight up in the air unless it's matted to their snotty face.  We are all tired of inside.   Some days, I myself can't be bothered showering or getting out of my 'I give up clothes'.  Why should I expect more of them?  It's hard to be critical when I can't remember if I put deodorant on today.  So, left to their own devices, my children are beginning to resemble drunken hobos.  Why do they insist on non matching layers of clothing?  Layers! My seven year old insisted on wearing a pair of leggings with a hole in the knee yesterday because they were her favorite.... and just when I thought we had a problem, I helped out in her class room.  Oh good, it's not just ...

It's another glorious day at 5:45 in the a.m.  I can hear one of my three year old twins declaring they've done a poop in the potty.  Better go affirm them.  With one eye open I tell her, 'well done' and wipe her butt. Not long after the other twin poops and declares that looks like a duck.  Am I actually going to have to look at this?!  Yes.  I must check out everyone's poop and affirm it.  It's in the job description.  And you know what....it does look like a duck.  We say goodbye as we flush that duck down the toilet.  From now on she will check the toilet for ducks. I've flushed; snakes, clouds, goldfish, ducks and every shape under the sun....and affirmed everything their little butts have created. Why?  Because it's our jobs as mom to affirm our kids.  It' doesn't matter what it is.  When they are little, their creations are simple.  Maybe even gross.  But telling them how wonderful you think that...

1.  Bath time .  I bathed my first child every night.  I mean it aids in relaxation and is so good to keep them on a schedule!  Insert eye roll.  I even used to massage lavender on her entire body........Who is this baby?  The queen of Sheba?!  These days I smell the tops of my kids heads and tell them they can make it another day.  Nothing a baby wipe can't take care of.  Actual bath time is as quick as possible in a conveyor belt of washing, rinsing and drying, all while shouting instructions and accusations.  'Wash your butt!'  'You didn't wash your butt, did you?!' 2.  Food .  I used to care about everything that went into my children's mouth.  Then there was four and I was like 'Yum, Nitrates....sounds like a vitamin.' 3.  Screen time .  I used to criticize parents that would park their children in front of the TV or take little gaming systems with them to dinner.  Dear unknown judged parents, ...